'Insider' No More

It's true. I've been an 'insider' my entire life. Though not part of the cool crowd at school I was never bottom rung. I have always belonged... at church, at work, at play, at the stores, etc. Now I am getting but a small taste of what it is like to be.... you know... an 'outsider' (ssshhh!). And as I always suspected, it stinks. I get the feeling this is one of those lessons from God that is - gggrrrr - good for me. I guess. Yes I know, being a foreigner in Europe with my ethnicity, background, etcetera is likely easier than anywhere else on the planet and certainly easier than many Americans have it in my own country. Perhaps God knows about my low tolerance for social rejection and I get to start at 'beginner level.'

Diagnosis: Many told us 'everyone speaks English in Europe.' This is a lie. Language is our biggest barrier to becoming 'insiders' here in Germany so believe me I'm noticing who speaks what. Upon moving to Einod, we eagerly began attending neighborhood fests to show we want to get to know people (which we do) and that we're not stuck up Americans who won't even try to learn the language (which we hope we will not be). Admittedly, eagerness has been replaced by resolve. Last night I attended an Advent story time at the village church with the kids. It was very nice and welcoming but of course included holiday songs we don't know and smiling faces afraid to or uninterested in speaking to me. This is becoming a habit. It's a small village and everyone knows each other. At the Christmas Market this weekend we went with a few people the first night and so had a few people we could talk to. Went the second night on our own and we mostly stood alone. You know me - daughter of my parents - I saw a couple I vaguely recognized from Eli's Kindergarten and barged into their group introducing myself all around trying to start a conversation. It worked okay - they were friendly once I broke the 'smile from a distance' - but I came home feeling unsatisfied, unincluded. And it wasn't the first time. This past week has been a reality check in humility. Realizing that shopkeepers try to move you along so they won't have to try so hard to communicate with you or deal with your ignorance of products is humbling. A few weeks back one lady lost patience with me asking her to repeat how much I owed and trying to count change - she grabbed my hand, took the correct coins, and dismissed me. In front of other people. You can imagine how I felt.

Prescription: Like any control freak worthy of the label I work out my frustrated thoughts by obsessively cleaning (as in scrubbing the lid of the garbage can kind of cleaning) and vacuuming (something I've had to learn how to do, as this used to be Kevin's job), checking off every single errand on the to-do list, and generally try to avoid further contact with people. Psychologists would probably call this 'attempting to control my environment' or denial. But, hey! We do what works in our own mini-crises.

Cure: Prescriptions only cover the symptoms, in this case, rather than deal with the problem. And I know the answer already. Trust God. Keep at it (i.e. resolve). Learn. And forever and ever make sure that, if it is even slightly within my realm of influence, include the 'outsiders' and remember that ignorance of a language does not equal unintelligent.